“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
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I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”
😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.