“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
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I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
I told my vodka about you.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Spotted in New Orleans.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
“What movie?” 🤔