Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter

How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?

Asking for a friend.

roses are red
i fall when i skate

Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.

People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me

[On a road trip]

Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!

Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.

My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.

HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.

1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED

“OMGJK” -atheists

wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about

Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.

{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.

Why my coworker hates me:

He sends meeting invite for 2pm.

I propose new time of 2:03.

He revises, sends update.

I decline meeting.

*smashes car through your living room*

Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?

Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!

– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”

Boss: Can I see you in my office?

Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try

Cop: have you been drinking?

Stork: no

Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg

Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with

If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.

Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back

Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent

Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement

The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.

Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.

2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth

toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil

(Auditioning to be a bird)

*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*

DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.

Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers

Woman: you mean he’s

Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care

[my first day as a 911 operator]

*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy

My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.

Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing

*offers Batman cough drops*