“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
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[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
“I took care of your clown problem.”
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[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..
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Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
is this a threat
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Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”