Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”

Me: Yeah boyee

Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.

A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.

My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.

I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join

EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol

I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.

So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?

OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl

Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…

[puppy farm]

PUPPY: Crops look good this year

Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN

Breaking news:

You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly

I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat

Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job

Me: Whats the salary?

10k now and will increase to 25k later

Me: Ok then, I will come later

Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks

4: Mommy, I need a snack

Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!

4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.

Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?

4:…. YESSSS

Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?

It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.

[getting dating advice from my dad]

Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid

“Well which one is it?”

‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.

Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000

Papa John:

Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes

Papa John: And that’s…

Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas

Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.

[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?

ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*

Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.

I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?

bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive

bank robber: *angry boomer noises*

I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.

I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.