Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.

It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.

What do you call it when a zoo paints common animals to look like more exotic species?

Fake Gnus

“My name is Robert and I support apples.”

— Bob for apples

“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”

Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation

[1st day in Senate]

Me: I’m against genetic engineering.

Scientist: We’ve developed kids with volume knobs.

Me: How much funding do you need.

friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”

me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”

Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?

Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.

How old do I look?

9yo: 30

Aww, you deserve ice crea-

9yo: Just like grandma

-m but too bad you’re not getting any

There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot

Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.

The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.

My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.

going to bed

Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.

podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in

If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”

Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now

Things that alarm my 5yo

Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick

Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt

Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce

me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there

me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts

Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat

There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao

What time will the Easter candy be discounted?

CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.

Ok. I’ll call back later.

Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP

Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation

We also rank first for quality of life

I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related

*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall

*adds work phone number

*Gets excited about work today

me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new

Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.

The stickier the better.

-Rice, obviously

“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)