Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Prison visit]

Me: I finally have a date for my execution

GF: WHO IS SHE

I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.

Everyone got SO MAD when I started singing Gravity during the movie! Like I’m sorry but I PAID to be here. It’s not my fault Wicked was sold out and I had to see Gladiator II.

The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.

Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”

How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?

*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.

I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.

Florida man

Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days

[1800s]

Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise

Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought

Met a hot girl in the bar.

She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.

Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder

*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*

Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.

Satan: What’s that?

God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.

Satan: I see. *invents screaming*

God: lol good one!

My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.

I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.

Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you

Her Mom: what?

Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this

Her Dad: are you serious?

Me: *patting his belly* yes

We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.

A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.

my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket

me: oh no

my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time

me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands

“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.

“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock

The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.

When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”

…I am not a catfish.

Why am I like this?

Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?

People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.

soft pretzels only come 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm