That’s a good costume, I hope.
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airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*