That’s a good costume, I hope.
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Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
three things we don’t talk about
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”