Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it

If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.

[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.

[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet

April 1st is the class clown of days.

[Diner]

Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free

*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*

my 6 year-old: im a police

Watson was Holmes schooled

ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u

I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane

With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…

Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”

Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”

Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”

Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!

Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that

[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.

Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?

I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”

You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake

me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.

8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.

Well shit.

Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off

Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.

<gets on elevator >

Pushes all the buttons

Hugs everyone

Prays out loud that we’re not going to die

Gets off at the 2nd floor

Laughs

I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share

I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.

Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.

The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”

[watching kids make snowman]

Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?

Wife: Yes…why?

Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…

reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it

I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count

“I’ll drink to that.”

-me to my next drink

commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free

I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’

[sex]

GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out

Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.