“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
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Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Speak now or ever hold your peace
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.
I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?