“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
You Might Also Like
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Sure, I’ll come to your party
*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
3 PLACES I LOVE STAYING:
1. HOME
2. OUTTA PEOPLE BUSINESS
3. IN MY OWN LANE
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election