“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
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(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
me: *gets something in my eye*
brain: put your finger in there too
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.