Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.

I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.

I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops

I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.

[Sitting down at a restaurant]

Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.

I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.

Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.

Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.

My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.

Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.

[8 months later]

Ok, I’m back.

If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.

Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .

[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.

Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation

House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.

I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.

Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”

I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds

Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.

A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.

I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door

Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT

–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady

My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.

I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?

remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister

when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak

The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate

my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,

Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks

Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches