That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
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I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.