That’s amazing.
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My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
How your email finds me
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?