That’s amazing.
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me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
I’m aging like a fine banana
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.