That’s amazing can I get a bud light please
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women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
I hate elevators, they give me vertigo
I take many steps to avoid them
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Sorry I made promises on Friday