That’s amazing can I get a bud light please
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My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”
Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.