Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha

*first day as a detective*

Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body

Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead

I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*

All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.

New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.

“How’s your day going?”

Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]

My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?

Me: Grab me the red one

Dog: Not funny

me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you

Tastes victory

Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!

People say I’m an idiot for using superglue instead of bonjela, but I’m sticking to my gums.

When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.

If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.

12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.

Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.

12yo: Kids do that?

Me:

12yo:

Me: No.

Me: Know any potato jokes?

My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?

My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.

I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.

Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?

Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?

M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa

Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.

Cashier: Have a great day

[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}

Me: I have bad news

ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards

JUDGE: no can do

You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?

Me to myself

You take the oxy out of oxymoron

my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera

I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.

Tell me why I had to find out via HGTV house hunters that my OBGYN is searching for a house in Florida bc SHES MOVING???

*ad for swiss army knife*

Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?

satan: welcome to hell

me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?

s: yup all you can read!

m: wow!

s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?

me, nervously: yes..why?

*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*

m: aw hell

The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:

Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.

Me: OMG what happened?!

ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.