Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts

San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible

White parent Vs Arab parents

Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!

[reading crime and punishment]

me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-

[ten pages later]

me: you’re not gonna believe this

A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.

Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*

Thoughts that keep me awake….

why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?

*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*

Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.

when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie

Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.

Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.

Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction

passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?

jackfruit: oh nothing

I’m doing the lords work (judging)

I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse

5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.

dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.

I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.

Me: Do your chores.

9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!

Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.

9: I didn’t know they would follow me.

Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.

My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…

Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.

There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.

My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.

I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.

*unzips babybell cheese*

yeah. that’s him.

*rezips babybell cheese*

When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset

[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this

You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.

People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is