“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
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Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
There are no pants in heaven.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here