“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
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That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
dude it’s called proctologist
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Sharon, call the vet
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,