“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
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If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.
He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”
Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
I missed you with all my darts
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
The asteroid..
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
at ease…shoulder.
My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans