“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
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Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
There should be a product swap booth on the way into Costco, you can bring the massive package of snacks that your kid used to like and exchange it for the huge box of snacks that some other kid has rejected
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”
dude was born in 2018.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
House salad yeah what’s next techno fries
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what