“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
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I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.
Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Don’t snitch tag.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own