That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
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“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
People who say “no pun intended” are weak. Intend your puns, you coward
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Jake Paul just announced that he’s fighting my dead grandmother next.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?
Grow up