That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
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Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.