if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
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Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Facebook memories be like
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job