That’s because you’re in it…

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It’s spooky how many kids look like their owners.


*takes ambien


You said NO ambien before dinner at your parents.

Wife: Really?

Me:*already getting naked* I’m sure it will be fine.


[ornithology test]

PROFESSOR: name all the birds you know

ME: personally? well there’s willy the wren who hangs by my window, and crazy pigeon pete but i haven’t seen him lately


[city marathon]

ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?

RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS

ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?


If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?


[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps


The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken


Did you hear that?





*axe murderer kills both*


Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.