@THINGDUMBPPLSAY

That’s because you’re in it…

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@AnniemuMary

My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.

@Darlainky

Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.

@noneofyours99

*Uses finger to wipe dirt off your face*

Accidentally makes it dirtier with my Cheetos fingers

“You look fine now”

@Roflindian

By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.

@Cpin42

A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a cow.

Cow: what do I eat?

God: you just can’t get enough grass.

Cow: like a lawnmower?

God: uh sure.

Cow: I guess that makes me a lawnMOOer lol.

God: was that a cow pun?

Cow: yes did you like it : )

God:

Cow:

God: it was udderly adorable : )

@Tommytoughstuff

ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.

@laurajennyjo

I’m not going to intervene next time my kids start fighting, I’m just going to close the door and whoever comes out alive will be my kid

@lisaxy424

Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.

@Pundamentalism

The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.