That’s classic.
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Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
This is true.
