Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always a housemaid, never a house.

Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this

I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.

My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.

Wife: “Notice anything?”

Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”

Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”

Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.

Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.

3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑

Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?

My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!

Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:

– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey

Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.

This is my emotional support online shopping cart

Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Requesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.

People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.

Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.

My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation

Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?

Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking

I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.

[visiting Hell as a tourist]

Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs

Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled

Satan: congratulations you get to stay here

If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over

It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor

Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.

DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*

ME: cmon man

DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*

ME: I’m so hungry, David

Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so

You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.

My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.

“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”

Crowd: “NEIGH!”

“Jesus Christ.”

Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden

Antelope: o no

Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want

Antelope: omfg

Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables