“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
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One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
*Hour 3 in the trampoline park*
My oldest has said “watch this” 212 times
My youngest is running wild in a pack of feral six-year-olds
A woman screams in the distance “Jaden, Jaxon”
There is still no bar
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom