“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
You Might Also Like
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
i have one speed and it’s mosey
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening