“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
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I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
HERE’S MARKY
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Yes
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.