That’s commitment
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you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Sponch
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
My 5 y/o just pooped teal. I asked what she ate and she said, I hid in the pantry yesterday and ate all the blue sprinkles in the shaker. FFS
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer