That’s commitment
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The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Batman: I’m afraid of bats
Superman: I’m afraid of soup
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.