That’s commitment
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We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Y’all know who you are.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
If you know, you know 😂🚔
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.