That’s commitment
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We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.
Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there