That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
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“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Sticker placement is key.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
There is wisdom there.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
#ProTip
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha