That’s easy for you to say
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I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
WWE is French for “yes”
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0