That’s easy for you to say
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My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.