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My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
jesus, what did this guy do
Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”
AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
