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Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.