that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
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Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Growing out my freckles.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
them: ugh, could you be more annoying
me: oh god, yes
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*