that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
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Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.