that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
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Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
I really had high hopes for this year though
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there