that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
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I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.