That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
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Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
It happened to me: I committed to a type of pie before I found out there was a better type of pie on another shelf
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*