That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
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[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Tried to make a friendly comment about how I liked my neighbor’s very autumnal outfit, but I swerved too hard into friendliness, soared past over-familiarity, and landed on the arguably hostile “well if it isn’t Mr. Fall”
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?