That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
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[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
A new level of troll.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
No one can handle that
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
😤😤
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.