That’s fair
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What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
This is me 🤣🤣
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?