That’s fair
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I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
✌️
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr