“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
You Might Also Like
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
due to recent events me and my Canadian wife are now silently stalking each other throughout the house and only one of us will survive.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.