“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
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My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Frankenstein?
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.