“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck

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Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.


girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own


when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out


They should give the girls who don’t get a rose on The Bachelor a cat.


I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.


I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services


sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means