“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
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At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?