@SkinnerSteven

“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck

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@MichaelGoffLA

Pot has never been proven harmful to humans, but the way it makes those huge holes in the street has to give you pause.

@FrazzleMyGimp

[Getting home from fishing trip]

MOM: Catch anything?

ME: No, but a bear did

MOM: Where’s your father?

@HepatitisAtoZ

corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-

me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”

@david8hughes

[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes

@murrman5

[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER

@TinaMav

I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.

@Petote

I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?

@JizzIam

I find the best way to deal with death is not to be the person who is dead.

@Lynseyjo1

To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom

@ericsshadow

1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon