@SkinnerSteven

“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck

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@1followernodad

Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.

@handsock_butts

girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own

@ch000ch

when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out

@prodigalsam

They should give the girls who don’t get a rose on The Bachelor a cat.

@cranny_boy

I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.

@catstronomical

I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services

@ch000ch

sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means