@SkinnerSteven

“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck

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@awescar

*rips finished page from adult coloring book*

*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*

@TheCiscoKidder

Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.

@DeanB15

I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁

@JasonLastname

If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.

@rachelle_mandik

{first date}

HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?

@dimplesticks

My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’

@punmagnate

Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that

@TweetPotato314

Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.

Wife: Of course not, where is he?

Me: I just told you.

@fightgeek

[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]

now I can bring my cats to work.

@1MeLrO

If you can’t kill them with kindness

A shovel will do