Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.

Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.

My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow

Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails

Me: sounds good

Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone

Hb: is there any apple pie left?

Me: do you know me at all?

ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!

wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?

Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?

Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?

wife: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i’m a chameleon

wife: no you’re not

me: I can change I swear

[speed dating session]

Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.

Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*

Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*

After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.

Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text

Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft

Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear

interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job

me: the company moved

interviewer: where to

me: they didn’t tell me

I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.

I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.

Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.

[CRIME SCENE]

COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!

PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*

ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?

DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg

whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic

how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something

Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,

I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.

Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”

Me: I don’t think I like it here

Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point

The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.

*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*

*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*