Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.

me: sorry we’re late

st peter: what happened

grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic

I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.

Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year

After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.

Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.

The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕

pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that

If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming

scared to check what name she chose

Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”

*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*

“Same”

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm

The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.

Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.

Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.

If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.

Cleaning your kids room will piss you off cause why is my Air Fryer in here.

Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before

me: one Big Mac with no cherries

cashier: cherries?

me: no thanks

Me: *Being strip searched*

Cop: The dancing really is not necessary

If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.

Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?

When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down

Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.

At the disco last night.

They played twist. I did the twist.

They played jump. I jumped.

They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.

Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*

My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.

He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.

*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*

We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.

I am just a man.

Standing in front of a cat.

Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.