Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!

Pedant: Actually…

[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]

I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie

With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.

Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO

Me: are they human?

Him: no they’re-

Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer

My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.

Our shared calendar.

At least he already knows not to expect much.

Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure

opening twitter today

Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.

Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?

I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.

Wait.

Two. I have 2 kids.

read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of

Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.

Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.

Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.

When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.

I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.

Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly

Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit

Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”

My six year old: “Crab!”

Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●

Our parenting style can best be described as:

Bad cop,
Bozo cop

The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.

On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.

I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together

I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.

I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.

Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.

A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.

Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃

Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING

Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party

Bluesky is fine but every single post on my feed is talking about twitter and how much better things are than twitter and it’s giving big “oh I’m TOTALLY over my ex” vibes