“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
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If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
My kid’s school thought 15 spirit days in the month of December was a good idea and now we’re one step closer to homeschooling.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house