“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
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I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
bartender: what are you having mate
guy who speaks in amazon product titles: yea can i get 2 Beer Beverage, Beer Cans, Portable Alcohol Beverage, Party Tailgate Birthday Event | Catering | Drinking Supplies | Aluminium, Silver (2-count)
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
S O O N
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human