“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
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I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Erm I’m gonna say no
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
he looks great for his age
scared to check what name she chose
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.