“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
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“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Generation gap…
Until I was a young I adult, I thought that a general anaesthetic was one that was used all over the country. And a local one was one that was just used where I lived
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Lol.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner