Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.

MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.

[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby

Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.

olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks

I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken

So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream

Möther may I have a snäck

The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.

A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:

“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”

Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.

Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.

Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.

Greeting card

[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my

Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning

Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.

My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”

And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.

The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.

Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list

I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.

Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr

“Will.he.was”

-Will.i.am’s tombstone

Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse

[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?

[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.

My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”

I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.

The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.

Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.

There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.

Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!

From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers

holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom

ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature