That’s incredible! 👌
You Might Also Like
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
I’ve worked several high-pressure corporate jobs, but I never put more effort into the way I look than when I’m working with kids. Like, the CEO of a company never asked me what happened to my hair or why I’m dressed like Beetlejuice.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?