Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo

When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.

Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal

Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.

Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.

Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.

I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.

[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?

My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.

Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.

9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?

Me: Because they’re ballet dancers

9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?

I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.

Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them

My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story

Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger

8: YOU stop growing bigger

And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined

Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”

So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!

*Working at Walmart*

Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?

Me: No Ma’am, they are dead

I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.

“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.

All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?

5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland

Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it

5: You should just send me

museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them

Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.

Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious

karate teacher: shatter that board

me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched

teacher: not like that

board: *crying* yeah not like that

her: who’s ur favorite vampire

me: that one on Sesame Street

her: he doesn’t count

me: i assure u he does, Jen

ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir

BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job

To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.

To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.

*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*

*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*

*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*

Forgive me, for I have sinned.

Same time tomorrow?

Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.