That’s incredible! 👌
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I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
I found a doctor online and I was happy because I could sign up for an appointment without contacting anybody. Since 3:15pm yesterday, I have received 13 contacts from them for today’s appointment.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.