That’s incredible! 👌
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there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
It’s not a real relationship if it only exists when it’s convenient for you. I deserve better.
Cat: *knocks my drink off table*
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.