That’s incredible! 👌
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it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub
British drink offers for guests:
“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*